High Drunken Love
by felinemimimarquez
Summary: Roger reflects on his and April's relationship. Angsty. PRERENT


**A/N: April/Roger angst written so I don't have to endure Benny/Mark slash (no offense to those who like that)**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned every single one of them. But I don't. Not even part of them. I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF RENT. Ahem. I'm good.**

**High Drunken Love**

April only said that she loved me on two conditions. She was either drunk, or high. Or both. She always said that she loved me when she was shooting up…when I was holding her. She always said she loved me while she was doing shots, while I was refilling the shotglass for her. She always said she loved me right after sex…right before she passed out.

And me being me…I believed that she really did love me. I mean, she was always high or drunk…so naturally, I listened. And I always replied with "Love you too April." I was a good boyfriend…or I thought I was.

I held her when she shot up, I refilled her shotglasses, and I waited on her every need. I did everything in my power to make her happy. But she always found something wrong with me. She didn't like my clothes, she didn't like that fangirls followed me around, she didn't like that I wasn't home every night, she didn't like that I had gigs at bars that she was banned from. But most of all, she didn't like that I never got as drunk or as high as she did.

She wanted me to get the same rush she did…and I tried. I really did. But nothing happened. Sure, I forgot everything around me for a little bit…but then the high ended and I was left with a pounding head and a stomachache. I'd drink with her, taking shots until I couldn't see straight. I always carried her home, stumbling from too many shots, collapsing on the stairs from her weight. She never noticed. She always passed out on the way home. But she would always wake up once I lay her down on the bed. She would insist that she was awake enough for sex. And of course, I obliged. I mean, I'm not the type of person to say no to sex, even though it was drunken sex.

She was amazing when she was sober…in the rare moments she was sober. She would cuddle up to me, pressing herself as close as she could. She would giggle like a little girl, her hair all messed up. She would insist on trying to tickle me, and she would pout when I reminded her that I wasn't ticklish. But she would try anyways, and I would laugh just to make her happy. Those were the good times in our relationship.

And then we hit rock bottom. I remember our last days together like they were yesterday. She came home one night extremely drunk…I was surprised that she didn't pass out on the way home. She reeked of booze, drugs, and sex. I asked her where she was…and she wouldn't tell me. She said that she went out with a couple of her girlfriends…I asked who. She wouldn't tell me. I finally got the name of the club out of her…the Catscratch Club. I asked her again who she was with…she said that she went out with Maureen. She said that they met a girl at the club…one of the dancers. She said her name was Mimi and that she lived downstairs. I remember how she went on and on about all the men grabbing at Mimi…and how Mimi got her on stage. And then she told me about everything that happened.

I was furious. I remember storming downstairs, waking Maureen up and demanding her to tell me why she didn't stop April from going on stage. I was April's boyfriend…why the hell would she do that to me? I slept on Maureen's couch that night.

The next morning…April killed herself. I remember coming back from Maureen's place…and going to take a shower. And there she was…dead. Her wrists slit open. The note next to the razor, covered in her blood. I remember screaming…I remember Mark and Collins running in and finding me…finding her. And then I remember yelling at them, saying "I killed her…I _fucking_ killed her! If we didn't fight…she would be alive." And then everything went black.

I remember when I woke up at the hospital…hooked to some god awful machine. I remembered the doctor telling me about AZT's…I had to have Mark come in and have the doctor explain it again. I would never remember it all.

I remembered looking at Mark, tears falling down my face. As I cried, I said "No more high drunken love…" And Mark, he nodded and comforted me.

And that is when I promised I would clean myself up.

**A/N: Wow. That was _really _angsty. More angst than I expected. I hope you guys like it. Read and review!**


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